my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
