You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
