Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize
