I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
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