I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
