Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
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