My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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