you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
