Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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