there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Randomize
