I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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