Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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