High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
