why didn't you poke me back
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
