Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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