Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
