well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Randomize
