12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
