Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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