I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
