Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
