he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
