well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
