Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
