just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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