Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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