Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
