FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Randomize
