I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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