Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
