I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
