What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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