we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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