By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
