Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
