I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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