dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
