The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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