I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
