Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
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