before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
