I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
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