So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Randomize
