do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
