I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
