i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
