hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
