And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
If I die, sorry about rent.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Randomize
