FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize