She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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