no, he came in my armpit
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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