So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
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