Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
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