yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
