Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
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