I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
