why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Randomize
