Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Couch. On fire.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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