I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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