i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
