Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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